Wednesday, 19 March 2014

From a Mum's heart

The past four months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I can't help thinking about what my precious Anne-Ma would be like at this point in time. I remember on one of the weekends following her birth,my sister Becky visited with her baby Siima who was four months at the time. On seeing Siima who was really cute and chubby, I quickly thought about the day when my Anne-Ma would hit the four months mark...i.e. 1st January 2014. Oh I just couldn't wait to see her that big!! Unfortunately we did not get to that date...all my dreams, hopes and plans for her were suddenly no more and I think this is what really makes the pain unbearable.
While pregnant, I bought a pretty book in which I always wrote to my unborn Baby who I fondly called Twinkle. I have not brought myself to reading through the whole book but I did read through the last message I wrote to her which read as follows;
My dearest Twinkle, I finally got to meet you. You are a beautiful girl. I fell in love with you instantly. I always felt you were a girl and I was right. Today we were discharged from the hospital. As I write, we are already at home and you are sleeping in your baby cot which was used by both Crystal and Marky. So far so good because you allow me to rest. I'm still in pain. Breast feeding seems like a whole new experience but together we are getting there slowly. As a family we are so happy to have you! I am a proud mother of three beautiful children and my angel Asiimwe. I look forward to many happy years together. I am so thankful to God Almighty for taking us through the past nine months, for taking us through surgery, for the loving family and good health workers and for all those who have been there for us during this time. I love you my dear Anne-Margaret. You are going to be a great woman of God. You will be the head and not the tail. God bless you always.Mummy.
Crystal enjoyed reading Twinkle's journal until she also joined me in writing to her sister. Her last message un-edited read as follows;
Dear Twinkle, you are a very nice girl and you are beautiful. You look very nice and you look smart. Twinkle you are very nice. I am happy to see you and I am happy that you are a girl. I want to play with you and I still love you very very much and you are the best sister I have ever seen. But sometimes when I carry you, you cry. Twinkle you are a nice and kind girl. You are a sweet little baby and I am sure you will be a nice girl and that you will be a very good girl. We all love you and you are a nice girl. I love to carry you. From your sister, Crystal
From Crystal's message you can tell how excited she was to have a sister. Those who were at home with her when the news of the baby came in told us how excited she was. I just can't even imagine what goes on in her young mind.Walking down this road has been very difficult especially because there are children involved. Sometimes I get angry at them but again its just that I do not understand their coping mechanisms. A few days after the funeral, Crystal came and sat near me with a pen and paper and announced how she was drawing a coffin. I immediately refused her to draw it and asked her to draw happier things. Each time, she asked me about Anne-Ma, lost in my own grief...I just got angry. Marky too asked me very difficult questions..."Mummy where is Twinkle?", "Why did God take our baby?" "Can I fly into the sky and get her?" "How come Aunt Beckina's baby is still here?" "Mummy why were you crying the other time when there were so many people at our home?". He does not ask these questions at once and neither do they seem to end. Out of the blue, a question pops up. If its a bad just gets worse. Crystal slowly learnt what I needed. She began writing to me encouraging messages and asking me to smile even when I couldn't bring myself to smile. Following all this however, Crystal went into a 'terrified mode.' She got a series of stomach bugs and thought she was going to die. They feared their room because I guess they remembered their little sister being there most of the time. The children shifted into our room and refused to sleep in their beds.
Watching my Crystal terrified made me realise that I had not done much in helping them through their grief. I started specifically praying to God asking Him to heal them as I believe He is the best Counsellor. Slowly, they have started sleeping in their beds again and Crystal is no longer terrified. One thing though is that she really wants a baby and is always asking to visit homes where there is a baby. She spends a lot of time writing to Aviela and Abigail, her little cousins. This however does not only apply to Crystal, it applies to me as well. I know that my precious girl will never be replaced in my life but my heart yearns for another baby and so does my dear Husband. The joy that a new borne comes along with is one of the greatest feelings I have had all my life.

Throughout this time, I have read God's word and I am hanging onto His promises although sometimes I am left with tonnes of questions but deep down in my heart, I believe that God knows best. I have come a long way...I am definitely much better than I was yesterday. I am back to work and there are some really bad days when I encounter people I worked with last year who innocently ask about the baby who is not here anymore. I can't lie and I also feel sorry for them when I see how bad they feel having asked the question. I am not where I want to be yet but I am trusting that God will get me there and he will restore what I have lost.

Even as I grieve, I think about all the ladies out there who do not have children, those who lost all their children and those who have been through more difficult situations than us. I look at what I have and thank God for blessing me. He alone will carry us through this valley and continue strengthening us as we make an effort to live with our loss.

To all our family and friends, we thank you so much....we wouldn't have made it this far without you. Words alone cannot describe how grateful we are to each one of you for being there for us. May God bless you abundantly.

To all the pregnant ladies out there, please ensure that you do at least one 3D scan whether prescribed or not by your Doctor. Make sure you ask as many questions as you want and get your baby checked out at birth. Don't be afraid to seek more than one have a right to understand whatever you want to. Its your primary duty to take care of your health and that of your baby. May God grant you all a healthy pregnancy, a safe delivery and a healthy baby.